Place: Outside Ad-LAN-na, Georgia (i.e. The South)

Characters:

NORTHERNER — A boyish man of indeterminate age. Effeminate.

MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT — Mysterious and beguiling character who drives the action of the play.

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(We find ourselves near a small body of water. A crudely painted wooden sign labels it as a “fishin’ hole.” Obviously, several of the letters are backwards. NORTHERNER enters, stage left. He is dressed in an Oxford shirt — literally a shirt indicating that he attended or is a fan of the University of Oxford. MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT, a handsome, raven haired gentleman, sits nearby.)

NORTHERNER
Excuse me, sir, could you direct me to the nearest eatery?

MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT
(which cannot be properly recreated in prose)
Eatery? Well, near bout as close to an eatery as we got's bout near as a bar of soap after a day's washin'.

NORTHERNER
Sorry, sir. You seem to be speaking English, but I can't discern your meaning.

MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT
Said it's purt near. You got both oars in the water, son?

NORTHERNER
I'm sorry, will I need a boat? I would prefer to walk if possible.

MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT
I reckon if'n yer a'fixin to git there directly, better follow bout as close as a duck to her mama's butt. But don’t get too close, as my daddy used to say, less’n you want to end up looking like the world's tallest man is sitting in that hatchback.

NORTHERNER
I see. Lead on.

(MAN WITH THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT exits stage right and NORTHERNER follows. Curtain.)

By Michael D.