Scene: Jan 22, 2009; White House, first cabinet meeting. Cast: Pres. Ron Paul, VP Mike Gravel, Sec. Education Lee Iococa, Sec State Bill Gates, Sec Homeland Security Steve Jobs. Sec. Defense Paul Allen, Sec HHS Richard Branson, Sec Treasury Donald Trump
Attny General Tucker Carlson, Press Sec Keith Olberman


Paul: The welfare must stop.
All: Agreed!
Paul: Iococa?
Iococa: yes?
Paul: We're letting eBay run the schools. That socialist institution known as the Department of Education ain't getting a free ride anymore. We'll let people bid on their learning.
Olberman: Mr. President, sir, that won't play well, sir. The people, sir, demand, sir, that their children be educated, sir. For free, sir. You aren't a King, sir, you serve the people, sir. (pouts)
Paul: That'd be a good idea. But, let's let the states figure that one out. We didn't even have an income tax until 1913, we were doing fine until then. Jobs?
Jobs: Yessir.
Paul: How we doin with the terrorists?
Jobs: Behold, the iBomb. It's thinner than a human hair, weighs next to nothing, plays mp3s, packs enough explosive power to destroy a major land-mark, and looks great in the anodized aluminum finnish.
Paul: Why are you wearing that black turtleneck? Sec Defense Allen?
Allen: yessir?
Paul: Why is he still wearing that black turtleneck?
Allen: Sir, I've funded a 20 million dollar initiative to figure out how to shrink a human being down to the size of a tampon. We're hopeful that we can explore Secretary Branson's colon; the last bastion of human exploration, we're calling it the Virgin Suppository Explorer. As for Jobs, sir, he's an iHuman. The turtleneck hides his innards. Don't worry, his battery will give out after six months, and isn't covered under warranty.
Paul: Enough. Attny General Carlson? What's your ruling on the torture situation?
Carlson: We've determined that making people wear bowties doesn't constitute torture unless it threatens a person's ability to get laid or be taken seriously. Which it does, but
Paul: Trump? Gates?
Both: yessir?
Paul: we're merging your jobs. the Austrian school of economic theory dictates that the state has no function but to defend the treasury. Buffett is taking over both your jobs.
Trump: what are you saying?
Paul: You're fired.
Trump: I mean, there's no arguing. There is no anything. There is no beating around the bush. "You're fired" is a very strong term.
Gravel: I AM an ELDER statesman! Yooou have me over here like a potted plant.
Paul: what's Gravel saying?
Branson: I'm dyslexic , but I think he needs to be walked. He really hasn't been the same since that tall man defiled him in the hatchback.

By K. Harrington